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Making the Marriage Work

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“And among His signs is this: He creates for you mates out of your own kind. So that you might find contentment (sukoon) with them, and He engenders love and tenderness between you: in this, behold, there are signs (messages) indeed for people who reflect.” (Rum, 30:21)

It is often said that marriages are made in heaven. That is true but what is even more amazing is when a couple make heaven on earth with their marriage. All of us marry with love, excitement and an intention to “make it work”. However, we simply don’t know how to make it work or where we are going wrong, because of which we keep making the same old mistakes.

Marriage counseling, how to choose a spouse, what are the rights of a wife and how does her mind work, what irritates men, how are men and women different when it comes to the language of love,  and, as is our topic here, what are the rights of husbands – no matter what stage you are in your marriage, you can benefit from the information given here insha’Allah.

Marriage, is after all the mother of all topics! And it is crucial to ensure a society’s welfare. If the institution of marriage weakens, the modesty level and emotional stability levels also weaken. Needless to mention, the increasing rate of broken homes and infidelity is becoming very bothersome. Married Muslim couples need to understand how important it is for them to make their marriages work, no matter how much effort it requires.

The Messenger of Allah SAWS(upon whom be peace) said: “Iblees places his throne over the water, then he sends out his troops, and the one who is closest in status to him is the one who causes the greatest amount of fitnah (tribulation or temptation). One of them comes and says, I have done such and such, and he says: You have not done anything. Then one of them comes and says: I did not leave him until I separated him and his wife. Then he draws him close to him and says: How good you are.” 1

Let’s face it – extra-marital relationships are a lot more common now than before, and show little sign of slowing down. Why? A lot of problems can insha’Allah be solved if we focus on the following aspects.

Blog_Nov04_InsideSo here is my own way of presenting some hints and tips to please your husband! There are many rights a husband has over his wife, but here, we will focus on the most important ones, which in my view, can really help in making a marriage a successful one!

“And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them.” (al-Baqarah 2:228)

1. Religion:

Nothing kills a marriage faster than going against or neglecting the religion of Allah SWT. We plan for a grant wedding. Then, a spectacular honey moon. Soon after that follows lavish dinners, vacations and what not. But the most significant ingredient remains missing: respecting the limits set by Allah SWT. A couple who do not pray, do not fast or give zakaah (charity), do not ward off calamities by giving charity often, do not observe hijab in gatherings, do not bother to raise their children modestly, have no common aspirations and goals to learn the deen of AllahSWT and have no recitation of Allah’s Book in their  homes are bound to bear the consequences.

The trick, then, is to beseech AllahSWT to make your marriage and relationship successful. All good things are from AllahSWT . Constant adhkaar (remembrance of Allah) gives us protection against the evil eye and the Satanic plots.

2. Grateful:

“And (remember) when your Lord proclaimed: If you give thanks (by accepting Faith and worshiping none but Allah), I will give you more (of My Blessings), but if you are thankless (i.e. disbelievers), verily! My Punishment is indeed severe.” (Ibraaheem 14:7)

Honestly, it is that simple. Be grateful for your spouse. Think of the moment when you said “I do” and the excitement and bliss that followed those words. Don’t mistreat the blessing because of petty issues. Constant nagging and complaining never pays off. For some time, try to overlook, put yourself in others’ shoes with patience and eliminate these three things from your married life:

A. Criticism

B. Complain.

C. Blame

3. Respect, love and appreciation:

No words can ever explain the significance of this one word in a marriage: respect. If there is one thing a man expects from his wife, it’s respect. He wants to feel trusted and appreciated. He wants to feel his opinion matters and that his leadership is actually having a positive impact on the family. Even when you have to bring up something negative, choose your words wisely and keep your tone polite. Also, never criticize or humiliate him in public.

Women can either build up or tear down their men. A husband is moved by a few simple words like:

” I’m so proud of you…”

Or

“Thank you for all that you do…”

Or

“I really trust your judgement…”

It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allah ibn ‘Abbas RAu said: The Messenger of AllahSAWS said: “I was shown Hell and I have never seen anything more terrifying than it. And I saw that the majority of its people are women.” They said, “Why, O Messenger of Allah?” He said, “Because of their ingratitude (kufr).” It was said, “Are they ungrateful to Allah?” He said, “They are ungrateful to their companions (husbands) and ungrateful for good treatment. If you are kind to one of them for a lifetime then she sees one (undesirable) thing in you, she will say, ‘I have never had anything good from you.’” 2

He is emotionally wounded when we constantly belittle his efforts to run the family and constantly criticize his every move and opinion. So learn to appreciate and increase his confidence, especially in those areas where you reckon he feels he lacks. Remember women, as better halves, we are here to complete and enhance whatever is lacking in our spouses and not sap them of their self confidence and self esteem.

Marriage requires constant effort to make it a truly successful one. Slacking off will result in spouses drifting away from each other. Think of ways to spice up your marriage and it doesn’t always have to be expensive vacations and fancy dinners. A simple gesture of love, some quality time, a romantic walk by the beach, or a simple love-note of appreciation can do the trick! Just remember, men want to feel loved and appreciated. And that is done by:

> Praising him constantly.

> Thanking him for his efforts and hard work.

> Showing love physically.

For men, love has to be SHOWN.

Respect makes him feel important and appreciated -these are ways to enter your man’s heart. The key to fostering good communication with men and the key to warming their hearts is respect. Failing to respect them is the quickest way to make them distance themselves from their wives. Withholding respect turns your man into a withdrawn person and we definitely don’t want that.

Don’t play victim around your husband all the time; don’t nag and moan. Instead, choose a different manner to convey your point, and rest of the time, remain playful and cheerful. Here is a man’s secret: they seek women who are lighthearted and have a sense of humor. Be playful. Joke around and laugh.

4. Looking good:

In the hyper-sexual society we live in, where our men are bombarded with alluring images of super models on every billboard, magazine and TV channels, it’s very crucial for every wife to dress up 24/7 and look neat and presentable and pretty.

This is because lowering the gaze is nothing short of a battle these days and when our husbands see pretty girls everywhere, it only makes sense for us to put some effort to look good for them so as to ward off thoughts of haram lust from them. Unkempt hair and pajamas all the time is a total no-no.

“The Messenger of AllahSAWS said: ‘When a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and he went to sleep angry with her, the angels will curse her until morning.’” 3

Imagine how a husband’s love can sky rocket when he comes home, tired and wrung out, to a beautiful, well dressed, cheerful wife. Also try to picture what he must go through if you act otherwise…

Trust me, women out there are alluring men with their fitnah. Make sure you use your every charm on your husband to keep him engaged.

Quick recap:

To cut a long story short, these aspects and parameters have become more crucial than ever before. Remember, no matter what amount of hard work you do for your husband or how much you exert yourself in trying to make the house more comfortable for him, what will always count for him will be – how you look and how you behave around him. So even if you have been working tirelessly all day and have prepared a right meal for him but look awful and sound ill tempered and tired, he will not appreciate it. On the other hand, even if for a day you decide to just hang around and do no work, but look pretty and greet him with a huge smile and sweet words and put every effort to placate him emotionally and physically, he will definitely fall for it. Try it!

Let this all-encompassing advice of our ProphetSAWS be your motivation:

“When any woman prays her five, fasts her month, guards her body and obeys her husband it is said to her: Enter paradise from whichever of its doors you wish.” 4

Forget the past, begin anew! Take a fresh start, starting today – let your marriage be more about giving rights and less about taking rights. Play your role and your rights will come along.

Bismillah!

Please share your thoughts with tips and suggestions on how we can make our marriage work in the comments section below. 🙂

  1.   Muslim (2813)
  2.   Narrated by al-Bukhari, 1052
  3.   Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3065; Muslim, 1436
  4.   Ibn Hibban, classed as sahih by Shaykh Al-Albani

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If you liked the article, do leave a comment down below

25 Responses

  1. aprilwest10471@gmail.com'
    April

    Thank you for this post. It came at just the right time for me. Allah is great and always provides the answers!!! Alhamdoulellah!!!! 💜

  2. affshafee57@gmail.com'
    Abd urRahman Affshafee

    AlhamdulIllah, important article on a very important topic. Some advice for sisters:
    – Flirting and seducing. Well, for sisters who might not find themselves beautiful enough to please their husbands, this is a wonderful method for pleasing your husband. Joke with them. If you make a mistake or disturb him, say sorry in a seductive manner, for example “I am extreeeemely sorry! Please don’t mind!!”
    – Kiss them. Well this is what they will like. But remember to do this at the right moment.
    – If they say sorry to you, be like “ohhhhhh it’s fine. You are so sweet.” with a smile.
    – Let them hug you.
    – Don’t get mad at them if they spend time with their parents. They too have obligations. At times, it can be difficult for him to manage between wife and mother. If you want him to spend time with you, then talk to him frankly and openly.
    Insha Allah, these will work. May Allah bless us with happy married relationships. Ameen!

  3. Mlawaamina@gmail.com'
    Amina Mnenge

    Mashaalah a good and inspiring article to read. It reminds us the opportunity around us which are very basic in making our marriages a success. And Inshaalah by grace of Allah will guide us on the right path. Ameen

  4. gaji.abba@gmail.com'
    Fatima

    Alhamdulillah I’m not married but I know I will soon enough In Sha Allah and this are really vital things to know before marriage. But here in the country I live, from what I hear from the ladies is “all men are thesame, nothing you’ll do to make them satisfied. They’ll always look for other girls outside. They are polygamous in nature…. Etc” and that actually bothers me a lot. Like somedays back I was speaking to a married friend and I asked her how was it to be married and she was like “this marriage is nothing good like people say” and she even told me not to get married if possible or I should not be hasty about it. That really made me ponder hard and left me confused. Please what is your advise on this??

    1. ahmedchoudhury18@gmail.com'
      Ahmed

      Then your friend, unfortunately, is not married to a pious man, or (no offence to her) she is being ungrateful. A true Islamic marriage lasts for an eternity because the spouses love each other for the Sake of Allah.

    2. akomeaadu@yahoo.com'
      Nana Akomea

      Don’t listen to what others say sister. Marriage is a good thing and there is always a possibility to change for the better. Of course it can be a struggle sometimes, but remember is half your Deen. Yes, “all men are the same” but you must also know that every man appreciate a good woman. it is my prayer that one day you will find a man who will appreciate you and make you a good wife.

  5. kazisadiya.10@gmail.com'
    Sadiya

    Asalamalaikum
    Good article, it’s really important to get married. Just a background, I am a Software developer and Inshallah soon I will get married.I feel an important pillar to make any relationship work is that both of you should be owner of rich character blended with faith on Allahtala.You should be well aware of the fact that your spouse has been decreed by Allahtala. It’s ur creator who wrote his /her name against ur name in Preserved Tablet created some 50 K yrs before the world was created. We r humans we do fall astray but if we keep constantly reminding ourselves that Allahtala is watching me, if I cheat the one selected by Allahtala how can I stand infront of my Lord on the day of Judgement. Your goal should be to meet ur creator with a clean chit on day of Judgement. The only thing that makes my spouse special for me is the fact that out of zillions of people on this earth Allahtala choosed him/her for me. Trust me small small things like praying tahajjud together, asking ur husband to lead the prayers,just after ur marraige going for umrah with him/her,discussing small day to day topics, cooking together, reading Quran together everyday with meaning works miraculously in cementing ur relationship. One more thing that really annoys me is that people beleive that Good looks of women are vital to hold her spouse. Trust me if your spouse is charactered.,God fearing and his motto is to please Allahtala he will never leave u in this beautiful journey of life and definitely will wait for you at the door of Jannah so you both enter Jannah together inshaallah.Each one of us either girl or boy should focus on furnishing our character and conduct more things will automatically fall in place.. Aameeen.

  6. Crismor116@yahoo.com'
    Sarah

    As-Salāmu ʿAlaykum, I have questions, i am a new muslim… I got married to a muslim man since from the day that i met him, he is telling only lies until now. We have 1 child, but his not supporting her, not allowing me to work but his not providing us good life, and his beating me. All what is comes out from his mouth is curse
    And bad words, he cheated people, and all what is comes out from him is lies. Please how I will deal with this kind of spouse?

    1. halimahali35@gmail.com'

      Jazakallahu khairan sister, may Allah benefits us all, many atimes marriages are being broken due to mother’s in law influence, mother’s inlaw today are Major attributes to Broken homes. Although this myth not be the topic but yet play a major roles in the marriages today, so . May Allah give us guidance.

  7. mojibadeakinsola@yahoo.com'
    akinsola kifayah

    Alhamdulilai,monshaallhu my wonderful sis.Indeed its a great pleasure. For me to drop a response here.Walai its been an excellent write,I really apprct it and I hope to see more.inshaallahu.
    Jazahumlahu Khairan.

  8. phatmaz.moha92@gmail.com'
    phatma mohamed

    As salami Aleykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatuhu. MashaAllah its a good article and it has thought many things I did not know..My muslim sisters need to be patient with there husbands and never compare him with any other man and that’s what hurts them mostly.Just be patient with him in all hardships and give me hope that all will be well,appreciate his efforts and say thank you for the little things he does..Understand him and pray 4 him always and be a good wife thats what most men want..

  9. yaukoshe16@gmail.com'
    Yaukoshe

    @Fatima what your friend is telling you may not be actually true. not all men are the same, many good men are out there just pray for Allah o give you a good spouse. do istikhara and believe in Allah surely He will choose the best husband for you.

  10. khalidnawab@gmail.com'
    Khalid Shaikh

    As a man I agree that the blog is one sided. There are larger hukook (rights) of a husband which are not covered in the blog. If I act selfish and look at the message of the blog then I’ll realize it is for my (woman) betterment. 3 important aspect of a woman.
    1. A woman was not created by Allah along with the man. First the man was created and to support him a woman was created from him. As per any religious definition a woman is not equal to a man. This is Shaitan telling the woman to fight for her equality and rights.
    2. Prophet Muhammed sallallaahu alay wa sallam mentioned that the majority of makhlook (living beings) in jahannam were women. The reason is given in the blog. It is easier for shaitan to make astray a man than a woman.
    3. The way to paradise is from within the feet of a mother! This is the most beautiful thing Allah has done. If as a woman you have surpassed all the obstacles and completed your hukook, Allah has bestowed upon a woman a gift which a man can never have. If you have brought up your kids properly and they enter Jannat then automatically you also enter the Jannat.

    Yes, there is high expectations from a woman because Allah has made them strong and given quwat (will) to fulfill them.

  11. yaukoshe16@gmail.com'
    Yaukoshe

    @Sara try to be telling your husband to fear Allah .tell him the dangers of telling lies. Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said a person will not continue lying unless Allah writes his name as a liar. pray for Allah to guide him enjoin him to do more righteous deeds and do all that in a lovely manner Insha Allah u will see changes.

  12. safahana@rediffmail.com'
    Sadia

    I am sadia from India, it is very inspiring, i and thank Dr.Bilal and its team for the good work. I will try and bring in the changes accordingly. May Allah accept my koshis and bless me and my husband.

  13. fauzibrownbabe@yahoo.com'
    fauziatu mustapha

    Alhamdullilah. Really appreciate all the advice given in this article. May Almighty Allah bless and guide us all so we achieve a better and a good home in our marriages. Keep helping us and Allah richly bless you.

  14. el.muzhaffar@gmail.com'
    Ummu Maryam

    I want to translate this into Bahasa Indonesia. Masya Allah, this article is like a puzzle piece that finally completes the big picture. My marriage have been disastrous and I’m hanging in there. My sister in law is now having the same problem. Subhanallaah. I gave her advice while my advice really is an advice for myself. Jazaakillaah khairan for sharing

  15. ammmutala@gmail.com'
    Mutala

    Alhamdulilah, May Allah guide and Protect you, is my prayer that Allah gives you the strength and knowledge to continue with the good work. For those whose marriages have problems may Allah see them through and those who have the best of marriages may Allah be with them and for those who are yet to get married may Allah give them the best of partners. Aameen!!!

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