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Patience is a Virtue when Disciplining Children

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“So be patient with gracious patience.”  (Quran Surah 70:5)

“Make things easy for the people, and do not make it difficult for them, and make them calm with glad tidings and do not repulse them.” 1

There are several reasons why as a parent, you should remain calm when disciplining your child. A primary reason is because you want to develop a loving relationship with your young one. A child who feels loved and respected is more inclined to want to please her parents. This makes things easier for the parent in her role of parenting.

Your child looks up to you!

You are your child’s primary teacher. You don’t want to lose that connection between you and your child. Even though your child will go through periods in which peer pressure reigns, your child will still be open to your suggestions if you have an understanding relationship. This helps you continue exercising your influence into the period of adolescence and beyond, insha’Allah. 

You are in control!

Another reason to maintain your composure when disciplining is because when you become angry when correcting your child, rather than emphasizing that you want her to behave, you are instilling in your child that she has the power to control your emotions. Let’s say your daughter is angry because you’re not letting her use her phone for three days because she neglected to complete her homework three days in a row. She is angry and feels vindictive. Even if she has to sit in her room for 30 minutes, it might be worth it to her if she can ruffle your feathers and make you feel the frustration and anger she’s feeling right now for missing out on using her phone.

Remaining calm also shows your child that you are in control of the situation. For some high-spirited children, your anger and shouting are likely to escalate and intensify the child’s resistance and encourage a battle of wills. She might start a tantrum or some other aggressive behavior that you will feel helpless to control. Usually when you feel helpless and at a loss as to what you should do with your child, you tend to resort back to what you’re comfortable and familiar with—hitting. Controlling your anger can stop this power struggle before it starts in the first place.

Remaining calm shows your child you’re in control–you have the reigns. The strong-willed child needs to know you’re the director.  This actually helps her feel more secure. She wants to know what her limits are, and she wants to be guided.

Narrated Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him): The Prophet SAWScounseled a man who asked for his advice and told him three times “Don’t get angry.” 2

You need to check your emotions too!

Sometimes, parents themselves need to calm down and deal with their own feelings first before they attempt to handle the behavior of their child. If you are in a bad mood or your child has done something that really ticks you off, do not immediately react. Take a breather. Go to your room for a few seconds—or minutes. Count to ten. Along with counseling to avoid getting angry, the ProphetSAWS recommended 3 that when you are angry, you should sit down. If you are already sitting, then lie down. Sitting down or lying down can help you avoid acting upon your anger. Be still until you have calmed down. You will be in a healthier state of mind to make the proper discipline decisions for both you and your child.

Your child learns from observing you:

When your child observes your actions during your episodes of frustration and anger, she learns from you. If you tend to become physically violent with her when you’re angry, your child will learn this as an acceptable behavior. If you rant, curse and shout, she will learn this as acceptable behavior during her periods of anger too. You are her role model, her teacher. Your actions are what she will emulate.

So the next time you feel like shouting, slapping,  or going on your own rampage around the house when your older daughter punches her younger brother in the head, stop and think about the negative impression you will make on both children. Calm yourself down, and be an example of how you want them to behave when they are angry.

What are your thoughts about this article? Let us know in the comments section below.  🙂

  1.   Bukhari)
  2.   Bukhari Vol 8 no. 137
  3.   Musnad Ahmed

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45 Responses

  1. nanyadifah@gmail.com'
    Nany

    Love this article so much. I totally agreed with what you said and the most difficult thing for me and my husband to do is to maintain our composure at any circumstances. Especially when we feel mad towards our children. May ALLAH S.W.T grant a patience to all of us. 🙂

    1. saadat11@gmail.com'
      Carol/ Amal Baha

      Mashallah, may Allah SWT bless you for shearing this. This is so beneficial and help full to parents that are raising children in this day and age. Especially if you live in the western world such as Canada or the U.S. Children tend to be so out spoken and disrespectful due to what they learn from school or on T.V. I’m currently going through this with my two older children and I truly needed this. I will try to implement this method of self control and parenting. I hope and pray that it will work.

  2. mounahassan1983@hotmail.com'
    Mouna souleiman

    peace and blessing of Allah be upon you.
    it was a pleasure to read this article, behaving with children needs to study very close on different level of ages. i am a mother of three children and i remark everyday a new face, a new problem. yes keeping the calm is essential but sometimes it overflows me and forget when i correct them.

  3. sumairazain72@gmail.com'
    sumaira

    This article makes me thinking about my behaviour toward s my kids really I am going through of this situation. And may allah give me and all mothers patients. Ameen

  4. Saheediyanda222@gmail.com'
    Nurudeen Saheed

    ManSha Allah, I have realy learned from this, I hope to make use of it when I become a father In Sha Allah.
    JazzakumAllah Khairan.

  5. hgenete@yahoo.co.uk'
    Jannat

    Salam a l , Very true!!! Indeed but easy said sometimes than done!!! May Allah make us strongest specially I’m talking about -all the mums….my girls starting her teen & with difficulty have to remind us so many things 1 more thing it’s more difficult as we live in the west!!! Staying calm all the time😡Not easy May Allah forgive us and make our children pious! Ameen

  6. e_love_momo@hotmail.com'
    Ev

    Then i have destroyed my children! i am a very loving and do evertthing for my children but when i get angry i get crazy and so are they :-(((((( its 3 children and very near in the age and am alone so simetimes it gets tooo much :-(( i want them to be good and patcient children i guess its to late :'(

  7. sabrina.kaci@yahoo.fr'
    Sab

    Salam Aleykoum thank you fir thus useful article…I have questions though especially about anger feeling…. IN every article I can read, I notice that anger is described as a négative feeling with devastating effects on children when raising them, on husband IN daily conflicts…etc In every part of our life, we are said to control anger and to always calm down…When I was a child, I thought that peole who iften get crossed had big personnalities like my father Allah yahmou But now that I have griwn up and I notice that anger =weakness So I was wondering, anger feeling has been created for something no? IN which situation thus feeling is “useful” ?

    1. Asssalamu Alaikum, Jazakalakhair for taking the time to write, Sab. Indeed we have been given feelings of anger. I am not certain as to when we should act upon it. Perhaps you can ask your local imam, insha’Allah. Grandma Jeddah

  8. maysaa_h@hotmail.com'
    Maysa

    Great article. Im actually looking forward to using the stages of calming down. I love my kids so I’ll do all that i can to make them grow into intelligent adults inshallah. Thank you

  9. kabeyah@hotmail.com'
    Kamilah

    This was a very enlightening article. I have issues with getting upset with my children when they misbehave. I have learned some important tools here to help me respond appropriately. Remembering what our Prophet said (pbuh) will definitely help me stay on track.

    JzakaAllah Khair for this article & great reminders.

    Alhamdulilah

  10. Poetriesbest4evr@aol.com'
    Shaima

    Ma sha Allah beautiful advice! In sha Allah we can all implement these in our parenting techniques and all raise children who fear Allah s.w.t, are respectful and obeying.

  11. ciklin73@gmail.com'
    khairiah husein

    very wisefull article. to be always in control is need a habbit. we should train our self again and again until calm become our habbit n character. n at the turn, it will spread to environment; our family, kids n neighbourhood

  12. Abdi.ibrahim@yahoo.com'
    Abdullahi

    MashaAllah, this article is very useful to me…I tend to loose my composure when disciplining my children, I pray and ask for your prayers too that Allah gives me patience and guidance in molding my children and be patient with my entire family. InshaAllah.

  13. rama.sule@ymail.com'
    Ramadhani

    JazaakaLLah Kheir this article is so beneficial to the whole Umma as parent shall be questioned in how we brought up our children May Allah guide us and guide our children Insha Allah.

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